I am under the impression that my job is in jeopardy. This impression has been hanging over my head for over a year now. My boss was kind enough to further impress upon me the fact that my production numbers this year were "critical" , as said numbers were a point of focus this year. Having had aforementioned sword of Damocles over my head for the last many months, my nerves did not thank him for the reminder.
I tend to get , to understate the case, distracted by such concerns. I know that worrying will not help me do the things I need to do, but worry I nonetheless often do.
I worry that after so many years in my line of work that it would be difficult to get reemployed, I worry that my age is a factor, and that my health insurance goes with my job, etc etc etc.
Tonight, in preparing for the coming week's work (on the weekend, on my own time) I was organizing some paperwork and found a folder of recent policy memos. There are a ton. We seem to recreate policy and lay a paper trail monthly at least, lately. My job responsibilities have become deeper and wider than ever. In looking at all the policy memos ad infinitum I had the fleeting thought of "so fire me already," and the thought that it might even be a relief.
I don't really want to leave this job of so many years, and all the relationships, all the long experience. That would be a genuine loss. But that moment of imagined relief gave me perspective. Maybe not doing this until I retire might just be survivable.
I am going to try to keep that perspective so as not to work with a sense of doom. Nothing to fear, but fear itself, said FDR? My current mantras all seem to be from WWII leaders. My shelves are adorned with Sir Winston's best. "When you are going through hell, keep going." And my favorite, "Never, Never, NEVER give up. "
Words to live by, and to survive by.
